Feelings

Aaaaahhh Springtime. We meet again.

Okay, so. As I’ve mentioned before, I have a love/hate relationship with the Spring. It makes me simultaneously joyful and sad for a multitude of reasons. But I try every day to chose the joy. Some days I fake it. Some days I find it. Every day I try.

 

This year has already surpassed last year in the joy category. I’ve surrounded myself with an absolutely amazing group of people who make my heart sing. I’ve deepened relationships that already meant a lot to me. I’ve created new ones that bring me laughter and joy.

 

I should, by all accounts, have no complaints. But then things happen like my trip to SAMS yesterday.

 

Yesterday I realized that Miss A is really and truly going off to college in the fall.  I realized it when I saw an ottoman and looked closer to see if it had storage in it because it had a cute pattern on it and I was going to snap it up to put in Miss A’s dorm room.

 

OMIGAWD MY KID IS GOING TO COLLEGE!!!  When in the fuck did this happen!?!?  Cue the funk.  Cue the tears.  Cue the wallowing and the worry.

 

She’ll be 18 in a little over two weeks.  In a few months, she’ll leave her Dad’s house and go on to carve out her own space in the world.

 

I worry that she’s not ready.

 

I worry that she’s enough like me that she’ll be too stubborn or proud to ask for help when she needs it.

 

I worry that she still leaves wet towels on her bed.

 

And wears mis-matched socks on the regular.

 

I worry because she’s my Baby Girl.

 

And I want the world to be kind to her. Even though I know some days it won’t be.

 

I worry, and I hope.  The world is a big, scary, wonderful, amazing place.

 

I hope she experiences it all and comes out all the better for it.

 

Some days this Momma gig kicks you right in the ass.

Leave a comment

On My Way Back

Okay, so. Monday I kinda had a breakdown. It was awful and tear stained and snotty and full of paralyzing agony, self pity, and self doubt.
I spewed it out all over my blog. I tried just writing it in my journal but it didn’t seem enough. I started this blog last July as a lark but what began as a lark has become an outlet. A lifeline of sorts.
I put my humor and my pain here. I considered putting just the humor but that didn’t seem genuine. No one is happy all the damn time. So I write it all. The good, the bad, and the ultimate fails that are my life.
I realized today that I’m on my way back. I realized it in traffic. I was calling some girl who was too busy putting on her makeup to actually drive a “Stupid Twat” and yelling how that was “An AT HOME job” when I realized that I actually cared enough to bitch. For the first time in days I cared enough about what was going on around me to form an opinion and voice it. The bone crushing apathy is lifting. It’s not gone but it’s packing up and getting ready to leave for awhile.
So many of you commented Monday. So many of you lifted me up. I am so grateful for that.
I’ll be back to full on snark soon. Promise.

4 Comments

Memories!! Yay!!

Okay, so. I just read a guest post over at Yeah. Good Times. that reminded me of my Grandmother’s funeral.
Part of my snark comes from my less than stellar childhood. My Dad was basically a selfish dick and my Mom did what she could but she had her own baggage to carry so we foundered along as best we could but the cracks were HUGE.
Anyways, about 7 years ago, my MeeMaw passed away. (My people are from East Texas. MeeMaws are real, not just a product of Chuck Lorre’s Imagination.) TWH & I loaded up the kids and drove to Texas for the funeral. I think it was Texas. I’m the worst passenger EV-ER.
We were standing around at the pre-funeral, socially awkward, thingie where I was completely overwhelmed by seeing family I hadn’t seen in close to 20 years when my wayward father comes up to us with a tall blonde woman in tow. He had left my stepmother about a year or so before (after 17 years) and moved off to Ohio or somedamnwhere.  We make our niceties and introductions and then it happened…
Tall blonde woman looks at TB and exclaims “Oh my Gosh!! Look how big you’ve gotten!! I remember seeing pictures of you when you were BORN!!”  Did I mention TB was SIX?? What. The. Motherfucking. Hell?!?! I just stood there gaping and trying to do the simple math. The penny dropped for TWH far sooner than it did for me. This wonderful man put his hand in the small of my back, guided me away, and said to That Man and his Tramp, “We have to go over here, now” while giving That Man a Death Glare.  The rest of the funeral was a blur.  I remember standing in a corner with TWH in front of me telling me to calm down as I gasped for air like I’d been sucker punched. I remember making small talk with relatives I adored and had missed terribly. I remember weeping for both the loss of my MeeMaw and my own hurt and confusion during the service. I remember the graveside service was hot & sunny. I remember practically running for the car after it was all over in an attempt to get away from That Man. I had no words. I had too many words. Most of them profane. I couldn’t talk to him.
I could, however, talk to my Mom. I called her sputtering and babbling. She told me something that didn’t really come as a surprise. “Honey, she’s been around your whole life. She’s not new. She’s just new to you.”
Oh. Uuuuuhhhhh… Well HELL!!
I tell this story, aloud, to people sometimes. I tell it with humor. Sort of a “You know you’re at a Redneck Funeral when…” kind of thing. I can laugh at it now. I could laugh at it just a few weeks after it happened.
Maybe that’s my superpower. Being able to laugh at things. Maybe I’m just more in need of therapy than I think.
Who the fuck knows??
However, after reading Elder Daughter’s post. I know things could have been so much worse.

9 Comments

I Feel Like Less Today

I feel like less today.  I often feel like less for a lot of different reasons.
I didn’t go to college, so I feel like less.
I’m overweight, so I feel like less.
I’m not traditionally “Pretty”, so I feel like less.
I’m don’t behave like a “Lady” should, so I feel like less.

Today I feel even more less-er than usual.
I feel so small.  I feel so hateful.  I feel so sad.
I feel like less today.
It will pass.
It always does.
But today….
Today I feel like less.

9 Comments